Do you trust your spouse? Do you trust your parents? How about your doctor?
Before you can answer these question honestly, it’s important that we define what we mean when we use the word, TRUST. In everyday life, the word, TRUST, just like the words, LOVE and HAPPINESS, is one that people use to mean many different things. The ambiguous and inconsistent use of these words is responsible for much of the confusion and miscommunication in this world, such as when the boyfriend says to the girlfriend, as he is breaking up with her, “Honey, I DO love you, but I’m just not IN love with you anymore.” What’s with that?
I’m hopeful that we’ll tackle the words, LOVE and HAPPINESS in future posts, but today, let’s focus on TRUST. In an attempt to study this analytically, I recently asked a random sampling of my friends what the word “trust” meant to them. In order to get a more precise answer, I posed the question, “How would you explain the meaning of the word, trust, in terms that a 5-year-old child might understand.” Their replies ranged from being interesting and insightful all the way to being confusing and contradictory. All in all, the answers were quite varied, but I was able to piece together the following common themes.
We use the word trust in at least three ways.
TRUST – Meaning #1. TRUTHFULNESS: When somebody whom you trust tells you something, you can believe that it is the truth. Conversely, when an untrustworthy person tells you something, you can’t quite be sure if they are being truthful or not. On the far extreme, there are those people for whom you can assume that most of what comes out of their mouth is a lie. There’s a certain occupation of people for whom this is often the case and the word for their occupation sounds a lot like the word, LIAR. 
Example:
A: I tried calling Bob all day yesterday. He never answered and I have no idea where he was. I finally reached him today.
B: Oh, really? What did he say?
A: He said he left his cell phone at the office and didn’t realize it until this morning. And the reason he didn’t hear it ring while he was at the office was because the battery had died.
B: I see. Do you believe him?
A: I have no reason to doubt him, but somehow, I‘m not sure. I guess I still don’t trust him yet. After all, we’ve only been dating for six years.
Example:
A: Did you find the missing cash?
B: No, I asked everyone in the office who had a chance to take it and none of them said that they took it.
A: What do YOU think?
B: I trust all of them. I guess I must have miscounted it myself.
In general, it is preferable in life to interact with someone who can always be trusted to tell the truth, even if you don’t always like what they say.
Example:
GIRL: So do you think I’m prettier than Megan?
BOY: Yes. You’re prettier.
GIRL: Do you think I’m prettier than Amber?
BOY: Yes, yes. You’re much prettier than Amber.
GIRL: Am I prettier than Kelly?
BOY: Of course. Without a doubt.
GIRL: Do you think I’m prettier than Erika?
BOY: Er…hey, can we please stop playing this game? I’m getting hungry. So where do you want to go for lunch? By the way, do you know if the Lakers are playing tonight?
TRUST – Meaning #2. RELIABILITY: When you say you trust somebody to do something, you are expressing how reliable you think they are.
Example:
A: We can’t join you. We couldn’t find a babysitter.
B: Aww, that’s a shame. Hey, isn’t Keith’s brother staying with you? Can’t you just have HIM watch the kids?
A: Are you kidding? The last time we asked him to babysit, we came home and found him passed out drunk while the kids were in the kitchen making chocolate syrup sandwiches and setting each other’s hair on fire. No, we just can’t trust him to do that.
TRUST – Meaning #3. BALANCE OF YOUR BEST INTERESTS VS HIS/HER BEST INTERESTS: The final meaning of the word trust is the most difficult to describe. It has to do with how much value that person places on your best interests in balance with his/her own best interests. For example, let’s set a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 meaning that the person in question places YOUR best interests completely over THEIR OWN best interests and 1 being the opposite, with that person’s OWN best interests completely predominating over YOUR best interests.
So in the case of the world’s most devoted mother, her baby can TRUST her at a level of 10. That mother would step into the path of speeding bullet to shield her baby from harm. That mother would walk ten miles barefoot in the snow to fetch food for her hungry baby. Of course, some extremely unfortunate children can only trust their mothers at a level of 1, because their mothers would sell them into slavery in exchange for a hit of crack cocaine.
The typical level you might trust your best friend is maybe a 8. Sure, if you were stranded and emergently needed a ride home, she would instantly get out of bed at 2:00 in the morning and drive an hour to come pick you up. If you desperately needed $1000, she would sacrifice her own rent check to give it to you. Now if you needed a kidney transplant, well, maybe she’s not THAT good of a friend.
In most of our interactions, the level we can trust someone is probably between a 3 and a 6. The reason we can trust even that much is not necessarily a function of that person’s character or that person’s fondness for you, but rather a function of the rules and laws our society have set up. If you work in a grocery store, it’s unlikely that someone will come in, steal the food without paying, grab the money from your cash register and run off. You can trust them not to do that because of the law and the enforcement measures that society has in place. Even “untrustworthy” people will be hesitant to do that. This can change, in certain times of war or natural disasters, when there is no effective law. Then, many people whose actions were held in check during peacetime will become looters and thugs.
Bear in mind that these three components of trust don’t always go hand in hand. In some situations, somebody’s regard for your well-being (meaning #3) may force them to be untruthful to you (meaning #1). Let’s say your child is singing in a school play and messes up badly. Inconsiderate parents sitting all around you are saying how terrible that performance was and how it was the worst part of the entire play. Later, your child asks how he did and you tell him he was wonderful and that everyone in the audience loved it.
Or say that you are a mean boss and your employee hates your guts and wishes you would suffer a cruel fate involving the fleas of a thousand camels. Yet, when you have an important task for him to do, and your job and the fate of the whole company’s well-being rests on this task, he will reliably carry it out. You can trust him to do his job 100% (meaning #2), even though you can’t trust his intentions toward you in other ways (meaning #3).
Now that we’ve defined trust a little more clearly, next time we’ll discuss the specific topic of trusting your doctor.
Click here for The Nature of Trust: Part II
